


(with barbed wire kisses and) his love

by bunjunnie (DRIPPINJUN)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Small Town, Coffee Shops, Drummer Lee Donghyuck, Emo, Family Issues, Friends to Lovers, Guitarist Huang Ren Jun, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, renjun plays a fender, vinyl as a coping mechanism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-16
Updated: 2021-03-16
Packaged: 2021-03-25 05:49:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30084441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRIPPINJUN/pseuds/bunjunnie
Summary: in which renjun huang spends an inordinate amount of time trying to get over his crush on donghyuck leeoremo boys falling in love in the winter
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Donghyuck | Haechan
Comments: 8
Kudos: 43





	(with barbed wire kisses and) his love

**Author's Note:**

> this fic was an absolute labour of love for me and i am genuinely so, so happy to finally be posting it. please lemme know if you enjoy it !!  
> the title is taken from cherry came too by the jesus and mary chain
> 
> here is the playlist for this fic !! made by nana
> 
> thanks to lune for betaing

**▷ teenagers - my chemical romance [or the song that was playing when renjun huang had the horrifying realisation that he had a crush on his best friend]**

the turntable had been the best gift that renjun had ever received. he had unwrapped it with over eager fingers on his seventeenth birthday, the way that his nails were scrabbling over the wrapping paper stopping immediately when the box came into view. after that, his touch had been as delicate as the snow that fell in the first weeks of march. slowly, he had eased the box from the paper, and then the turntable from the box, his heart stuck in his throat the entire time. he had used it practically every day since then, his touch still tinged with love every time. 

there was something that he found incredibly therapeutic about actual, tangible albums. something inherently satisfying in letting the needle hit the groove and sound spill out from the speakers. something indescribable.

his record collection had become the soundtrack to his life within the confines of his bedroom. it was expanding steadily, there weren’t any record shops in his town, so he had to wait until his trips into the city to hand over a twenty pound note and peel back the plastic film to get at his prize. his most recent addition to the collection had been welcome to the black parade. it was a beautiful gatefold, art spread across every available surface and a lyrics sheet tucked in beside the vinyl. not that he needed it, he’d been listening to the album for practically as long as he could remember. 

currently, it was sound tracking what he was considering one of the scariest moments of his life. he had desperately wanted to try eyeliner for so long, a byproduct of the amount of stereotypical emo content that he consumed. he saw himself within the throngs of people who listened to the same music as him and lots of them wore makeup. he found it slightly scary. something that would be entirely taboo in the traditional neighbourhood that he grew up in. and it wasn’t as if he had to wear eyeliner to be considered a part of the community, but it just felt right. the smears of black seemed like rebellion. like sticking it to the man and saying fuck the authority. even if only minutely. 

his mum didn’t own eyeliner, he had looked. several times. so he had bought it in superdrug, squirrelling the little plastic bag that it came with into the front pocket of his backpack the moment that it was handed to him. it cost more than he would have thought, but then again, he didn’t have that much knowledge on the subject. 

he clenched his tongue in between his teeth, turning the small tube over in his fingers. it was smooth and black, silver letters loudly declaring rimmel across the barrel. he tugged at the plastic surrounding it. it was thicker than the kind that came on records, requiring a lot more brute force to remove. when it finally came off in his fingers, making an ugly noise, his doubts started to kick in. he dropped it onto the bed as if it had scalded him, choosing to set my chemical romance blaring through the speakers to put off the application for a few extra seconds.

his shoulders relaxed slightly as the opening riff resounded through his room. it felt like such a dirty secret. he knew that boys weren’t supposed to like makeup, but that didn’t strike him as being important. he was more worried about what everyone else would think. it was no secret that his mum wasn’t a fun of the industrial barbell that ran through his right ear, so this probably wouldn’t be a welcome development. his life didn’t belong to her though.

renjun propped his phone up on his desk, flipping the camera around so that his own face was staring back at him. he breathed out heavily, reaching behind him to his bed and fumbling at his duvet cover until his fingers closed around the cool plastic tube. he twisted at the cap, slightly startled by how much resistance it provided, it came loose with a gentle sound, the black gel staring up at him from its tub. it looked a lot thicker than he had expected. 

he dipped the small brush that was attached to the cap into the liquid, his fingers feeling clumsy across the applicator. he tried to close his eyes, but found that he could only keep one open if he screwed the other shut, which didn’t exactly seem ideal. he brought his other hand up to his face, resting his fingers against his eyelashes to keep one eyelid shut while the other one remained open. his hands shook as the brush touched his skin, the makeup spreading off of the brush as he dragged it along the same path that his eyelashes took. he stopped it at the opposite corner of his eye, pulling the applicator away and blinking at himself in the camera. 

renjun was surprised to say that he hadn’t done a terrible job. the line was kind of uneven, but he didn’t really care about that, he was more fixated on how it actually made his eye look wider. his lips parted in wonder. he did the same on the other side, holding his breath until the brush was away from his skin. the two lines weren’t identical to one another, but he thought that they were close enough to suffice. 

a smile crept onto his lips as he studied himself in the camera. he was nowhere near as good at applying it as any of the people in the pictures that he had studied for hours the night before, but considering it was his first time, he thought he had done quite well.

he turned up the volume of his album, letting his head fall back as he immersed himself in the sound, staring at the glow in the dark stars plastered to his ceiling in a kind of revelry. his hands came up to his chest, half-heartedly forming the shapes of the chords that went along with the song. the side ran out, static echoing through his speakers until he flipped it over, setting the music back on.

just as he was about to relax back onto his bed, entirely satisfied with his achievements for the morning, his door was slammed open unceremoniously. lee donghyuck marched into his room, he hadn’t even taken off his doc martens, so he would probably have trampled dirt into renjun’s carpet. but the older boy couldn’t focus on that, more focused on the fact that he was wearing makeup and that his best friend would probably have a few snide comments up his sleeve about it.

“no need to get up from your bed for me, junnie.” his boots sounded heavy on the floor, only stopping when he dropped into renjun’s desk chair as if it belonged to him. renjun found himself fixated on the fact that the corner of one of the stars on his ceiling was peeling away, desperately trying to prolong the amount of time before he would inevitably have to roll over to face his best friend. “black parade,” he acknowledged, “cheery way to start this lovely saturday.”

renjun trailed his fingers over the astronauts stitched into his duvet cover; his room still partially sporting the space theme that he’d requested when he was nine. “you know me, i’m always a veritable ray of sunshine.”

he was prevented from having to muster up the courage to face donghyuck when the younger boy shifted his chair across the carpet to hover his face over renjun’s, his shadow falling over him and long hair tickling the older boy’s cheeks. he raised an eyebrow as his gaze fell on renjun, “when did you learn how to do eyeliner?”

“half an hour ago.” he gulped thickly, something mildly like sickness settling in his chest uncomfortably. realistically he knew that he was overreacting and that donghyuck wouldn’t give a shit about him wearing makeup, but the very idea of him having an adverse reaction to it made him nervous.

“well it looks sick,” there was barely a pause between his words before he was rushing his next sentence out, “do mine.” 

renjun pushed at his chest, the younger boy taking the hint and moving back to the chair so that renjun could sit up on his bed. “seriously?” it wasn’t that he was opposed to doing it, it just didn’t seem like something that hyuck would typically enjoy. he always said that skin products made his face itch. and renjun had heard him whine about it enough times to know that it was true.

the younger boy fixed him with a look, “seriously. just do it, jun, it’s not like you’re doing anything else.” the record skipped slightly and renjun hissed, he must not have brushed off all of the dust that had collected on it. it skipped once more before carrying on through the song. he rolled his eyes, but patted the space on the bed in front of him, crossing his legs and overextending his arm to snatch the eyeliner up from where he had abandoned it on his desk. 

donghyuck still didn’t take his boots off, kicking the leather up onto the bedsheets as he sat where renjun had indicated. he leaned forwards slightly, his eyes gently closed. his breath fanned across renjun’s hand as he brought it closer to the younger boy’s face, it felt strangely intimate, but renjun brushed that emotion away as quickly as it had appeared.

his hands were steadier this time, it was slightly easier now that he knew that at least hyuck didn’t hate him forever for having the audacity to try makeup. he tried to make the little sharp corners that he’d seen some of the people on instagram do, the little triangles that protruded from the side of their eyes. it seemed like the kind of thing that would suit donghyuck. his lines still weren’t even, his hand slipping from trying to hold it steady for too long, and the little flicks at the end weren’t quite the same as one another, but he was satisfied with the outcome.

donghyuck fluttered his eyes open slowly when renjun pulled his hands away, checking it in his own phone camera and giving a small grunt of approval. “you learned how to do this so quickly.” it was as close to thanks as he would ever get from donghyuck. renjun had come to know that a very long time ago.

“i’m a master of my trade.” he couldn’t tear his eyes away from the younger boy. the thick black only made his eyes sparkle even more, bringing out the honey tones of his skin in swathes. his friend really was remarkably attractive. 

“you look hot with yours, by the way, don’t let your mum get you down if she says shit about it.” renjun blinked slightly as he processed the words, his mouth dropping open dumbly. he suddenly became aware of how his gut was clenching, his heart thumping in his chest. as the chorus of teenagers came in for the last time, he was struck with the realisation that he was harbouring a crush on his best friend.

**▷ if you’re feeling sinister - belle and sebastian [or the song that donghyuck lee played renjun huang when he found out that the headmaster had threatened him with expulsion]**

renjun stared at the sheet of paper in front of him. the maths problem was made up of at least three different topics and he wasn’t exactly sure that he remembered how to resolve forces using pulleys, let alone up a slope. the class had been sat in silence for forty minutes now; most of them just pulling confused faces at one another before turning back to their sheets to scribble down half hearted answers for a split second. he himself had written absolutely nothing of note, just a few arrows and a weak attempt at using newton’s first law. he was saved from having to twist around in his seat to check the clock for the seventh time by an overly loud knock on the door.

one of the younger boys pushed it open slowly when the teacher didn’t react, looking over at her with unsure eyes. his blazer was too big for him, the navy blue fabric bunching up around his shirt collar and falling over his hands where it was clenched around a small piece of paper. he cleared his throat slightly, “excuse me, miss?” his voice was timid, probably not aided by the fact that an entire room of sixth formers were staring at him. they couldn’t really be blamed, he was the most interesting thing to happen across the course of the entire lesson. 

she held up a finger, turning the page of her book and making him wait for a moment longer before turning her undivided attention to him. “your shoes are supposed to be black.” renjun glanced down to the boys feet, where brown lace ups were clumsily tied in bows. it was one of the schools main uniform rules. only black belts were allowed and it was compulsory for shoes to be as close in colour to the belt as possible. 

“i know, miss, but my little brother put slime in them yesterday and i couldn’t wear them or my feet would have gotten sticky.” he looked as if he was about to wet himself, his eyes darting around the room so that they could fall on anything but the teacher at the front desk. renjun felt slightly sorry for him. taking notes to other teachers was usually fun for the younger kids because they got to skip out on lessons for five minutes and plot the longest route between rooms. this boy had certainly drawn the short straw.

she pushed her glasses up her nose and stared him down, “very well, but if i catch you with those on tomorrow then there will be consequences.” she held out her hand for the slip and the boy practically bolted across the room to crumple the slip of blue paper into her outstretched palm, ducking out of the door the very second that he could, the plastic echoing into the classroom as he slammed it. 

“renjun.” the teacher had been mispronouncing his name for four years now and he wasn’t about to correct her when she was clearly in a foul mood. he looked up from where he was pretending to find the tension in the strings of the pulley system with wide eyes, “the headmaster wants to see you in his office.”

she turned back to her book without another word, leaving renjun mildly dumbstruck. there was no reason for him to have to go to the headmaster urgently. he had kept his grades up for his scholarship and he hadn’t started any trouble with anyone. his mind ticked over everything that he’d done for the last few weeks, but came up with absolutely nothing that could warrant this. it felt like he was in a trance as he shoved his pencil case into his rucksack, tilting his body awkwardly to fit through the gaps in between their desks as the rest of his class watched him leave. his feet carried him the whole way there before he could even consider the option of just running away. 

whoever had designed the school must have intended the headmaster’s office to be the most intimidating room in the whole building. the thick wooden door that barred renjun’s way into the room was gilded, the skirting boards sporting an elaborate frieze. he knocked on the door, trying to keep his chin held high as he pushed his shoulder against the door, the hinges squealing as he opened it.

“ah, renjun.” he said his name as if he hadn’t been the one to summon him to the room; as if he was a welcome surprise. he beckoned the boy closer, gesturing to the plush leather chair opposite his wide desk. “come, sit.” renjun dropped his bag at the door, lowering himself into the seat; the leather wasn’t quite pulled taut enough and he sank further down than he had anticipated. it was probably intentional, to make the person under his scrutiny feel even smaller than previously.

“afternoon, sir.”

the older man didn’t even acknowledge the greeting, tapping his fingers against the desk, “i’ll cut to the chase, shall i? you’re probably wondering why you’re here. i’m pleased that your grades are remaining high, but there’s a new issue presenting itself.” he gestured to renjun’s face with a pointed hand, the gold ring trapped on his stodgy thumb catching the light, “it’s all very well and good listening to your cynical music, but makeup will not be tolerated in this school.”

renjun felt his ears burning up almost immediately, anger rushing through him. he tried to chose his words carefully, knowing that he was on uneven ground, “with all due respect, sir, the girls are allowed to wear makeup.” he had read up on it extensively before choosing to keep his eyeliner on to go to school. he didn’t want to do anything that would make his scholarship hang in the balance, and he had decided that this wouldn’t be one of those such things either.

“are you a girl, renjun?” there was laughter in his tone, a nihilistic sound that sent a vague chill through renjun. he had forgotten quite how formal his headmaster was considering the laidback nature of most of his teachers.

“no, sir, but-“

“if you wear that rubbish in this institution again then i will have no choice but to expel you. are we clear?” his voice rose throughout the small outburst, until he was vaguely red in the face and looked as if he was going to burst a vein. when renjun nodded weakly he pointed to the door, “you have the rest of the day off, mister huang.” the older man turned back to his computer, opening a file in a way that suggested it held his interest more than renjun.

renjun sat there in disbelief for a moment longer before easing himself out of the ridiculous chair and practically running outside. the air was unfathomably cold against his skin, the heat that had risen up within him not fading away. he couldn’t go home. he would lose his mind if he cooped himself up in a house that only sufficed to surround him with all the reasons why he would never be good enough. he took only a few seconds more to decide that he would go to the cafe and hunt donghyuck down. that might make him feel better. 

the walk to lucid coffee shop wasn’t a long one, but it was long enough for renjun to stew over everything that had just been said to him. his school had always been traditional, but the fact that they would threaten him with expulsion for wearing eyeliner seemed extreme even by the dumb standards that they held. it wasn’t even fair: nothing in the rules said that he couldn’t wear it, which meant that they had singled him out for doing so. it didn’t sit right with him that he would just have to stop wearing it and pretend that the whole things had never happened, but he also didn’t know what he would do if they actually did expel him. 

he didn’t realise how fast he was walking until he landed himself at the bright yellow door to lucid within seven minutes of leaving the school. he pushed the door open with his shoulder, crossing the empty shop floor to where donghyuck was perched behind the counter. the younger boy stared at him blankly, “you’re supposed to be at school, dummy, i’m the only one who gets volunteering hours.” his drumsticks were strewn beside the cash register, he had probably been practising against the counter for the whole afternoon.

“yeah, well, i got threatened with expulsion and then told to take the rest of the day off.” renjun dropped his rucksack on the floor, unclenching the fists that he had subconsciously formed and pushing himself up to sit on the counter facing the younger boy. donghyuck’s mouth was dropped open in a near comical expression of shock, “apparently, eyeliner and cynical music isn’t the look that the school is going for.” he shucked his blazer off of his shoulders, pulling the knot of his tie to loosen it from where it was clamped around his neck. 

“but you’re their best student.” renjun pulled a face, which caused donghyuck’s expression to crumple in turn. he was silent for a moment before he spoke up again, “if that old twat tries anything i swear to you i’ll hit him.” there was anger laced through his tone, the younger boy leaning forwards slightly from where he was sat. he never got particularly enraged about things, so renjun was quite surprised about how he was acting. donghyuck was more one to sport mock anger than to actually feel it. before he could comment on it, donghyuck reached out and ruffled his hair slightly, one of the only forms of affection that the two of them particularly shared. it was a rough touch, but one that said far more than words ever could. butterflies leapt into renjun’s stomach.

“i’m okay, hyuck, i promise.” the younger boy didn’t seem to believe those words - and to be fair to him, renjun didn’t either - but he let it slide, “i just wanna listen to some records and forget about school and the whole bullshit world with you.” he undid the top button of his starched school shirt, finally letting his shoulders loosen as he leaned back on the counter. donghyuck’s volunteering hours tended to be quiet, and the business was informal anyway, so it wouldn’t matter if anybody saw him sat up there.

“did you listen to that album i told you about at the weekend?” renjun shook his head slightly, “should have expected that. but i can educate you myself now.”

**▷ leave fast - sam fender [or the song that renjun huang taught donghyuck lee how to play on guitar when he was having a truly tragic day]**

renjun called donghyuck for the third time that afternoon, bouncing on the balls of his feet to try and keep some semblance of warmth rushing through him. the cool of the winter was beginning to make itself known in frost tinted windows and gales dispersing rubbish from alleyways. his denim jacket was wrapped tight around his shoulders, the collar popped in a desperate attempt to keep the back of his neck protected from the wind that was creeping down his spine. the younger boy picked up on the last dial tone, just as renjun had been about to leave him to whatever was distracting him from their plans. “fucking finally!” was all that he could muster up from his extensive thoughts on the fact that hyuck had ditched him without any reasoning. it wasn’t that it was the first time it had happened, but it didn’t mean that he had to appreciate being abandoned. “i’ve told you before, if you’re gonna ditch our plans then at least tell me, that way i don’t have to stand outside freezing my ass off while i wait for someone who isn’t gonna show up.” 

the younger boy hummed noncommittally down the line, “sorry.” it was a detached apology, a far cry from the usual energetic response that would greet him. “i didn’t want to get out of bed.” he sounded dull, the sparks that generally lit up his tone buried deep beneath the surface. renjun wanted to take back the words that he had let spill from his lips, regret bubbling up inside him instantly.

“that’s okay,” he said, all of the apologies that were stuck in his throat being pushed down, he wasn’t quite sure how to word them, “can i come over?” it didn’t feel right for him to abandon his friend to the prison of his bedroom. it was funny how quickly the wind could change when it came to donghyuck, how renjun could think that he was being pushed on and on and on until something yanked him back so fast that it almost gave him whiplash. the younger boy was so unapologetically himself, sometimes renjun forgot that he was breakable too. that he wasn’t actually untouchable.

“yeah, sure.” the conversation tapered off there, but renjun didn’t hang up, eating up the minutes left on his plan as he walked over to the younger boy’s house. the town was quiet, it always was on a sunday. barely anything was open apart from the odd restaurant, and the traffic that passed him was only trundling along. it was as if the world had slowed down to an almost stop. renjun had always hated sundays. 

he turned onto donghyuck’s street, scuffing his boots against the pavement to avoid the dog shit that was piled up at the corner, “are your parents home?” any other time, the younger boy would have made a disgusting joke about a question like that, instead he made a small sound that renjun interpreted to mean no. he could have been entirely wrong. hyuck didn’t live far from the town centre, but the streets that packed the council houses in were small and winding. as if they had been added at the last minute with barely any space remaining. in all fairness, they probably had. donghyuck lived at number four, but the numbering had been messed up and so he was at the end of the street rather than the start. 

renjun dodged around a couple of kids playing football in the middle of the road, kicking it under cars and between gaps in people’s fences. he tried the handle of the door and found it mercifully unlocked, letting himself into the house. “only me,” he called out into the dark hallway, hanging up their call and toeing his shoes off at the bottom of the stairs before clattering up to his best friend’s room. the sign that loudly proclaimed his name was peeling slightly, a remnant of the childhood that he had been forced to give up far too quickly. 

the younger boy was tucked into his covers, a half finished bowl of cereal propped in his lap and red marring the corners of his eyes. he looked up from his phone as the door squealed, dropping it onto the bed beside him and smiling weakly, “hey.” his voice was dry, as if it hadn’t been used for days. it suggested that he had been crying.

“hey,” renjun perched himself on the end of the bed, careful to avoid the younger boy’s feet. he leaned over and took the cereal bowl from him, setting it down on the floor. “what’s going on?” he pulled one of the blankets that was piled up on the bedsheets over his legs, mindful of the chill that was creeping in through the gap in the window. 

“oh, you know, my parents fought again. mum said some stuff about how i’m the only reason she’s staying. the usual.” his tone was entirely self deprecating, forcefully attempting to diminish the pain that was etched across his face. his house had never been a happy one. it was a dull and empty place, devoid of the feelings that renjun associated with his childhood. for all the jokes he cracked on the surface, donghyuck came from years of being told that he was a mistake. the love that his parents did have for him always shone through far too late, when the damage had sent bullets careening towards him. 

renjun only nodded quietly, taking in the boy’s dishevelled appearance and choosing not to comment. he would only insight anger or self hatred or both, “do you wanna learn a song?” to anyone else it would probably seem insensitive, but renjun knew how guitar helped. it was hard to feel self pity when your fingers were bleeding from sliding over strings for more hours than you would ever care to know. donghyuck was a drummer, but taeyong - who owned the record shop he volunteered in - had given him a beat up admira for his birthday. renjun had slowly been showing him how to play.

the younger boy nodded, “alright.” he peeled back the bed sheets, the rilakumma pyjamas that he wore underneath seeming preposterous given the current situation. they were stained at the hem with what looked to be ribena, an angry purple splatter that seemed out of place on the faded lemon yellow. he ran a hand through his hair unsteadily, the strands falling all over the place owing to the grease that he hadn’t yet washed out. renjun watched him pull his legs up until they were crossed and the younger boy was staring at him expectantly from the mattress. 

“you like sam fender, right?” the conversation felt ridiculously normal. music tended to occupy every spare second of both of their minds and creep in even when there wasn’t really room for it. renjun couldn’t even list every artist that he was a fan of when asked because the list was overly extensive. it wasn’t even coming from a place of music snobbery, it was simply the truth. 

“he’s not very baseline emo.” the laughter that tended to underpin a comment like that was gone, but the fact that donghyuck had even made it showed that he was coming back to himself slightly. the older boy just pulled a face at him, reaching over to grab the neck of the guitar from where it was propped up in the corner behind him. “i like him.”

he took the guitar from renjun, settling it against his left thigh and angling himself so that the headstock wouldn’t hit against the wall over and over. “i can probably teach you leave fast.” he leaned back against the wall, careful to avoid the posters that had been painstakingly hung up using a phone as a spirit level. donghyuck kicked his right leg out so that their feet were touching; renjun mentally cursed himself for finding the contact cute. 

he fished a pick out of his pocket, donghyuck seemed to favour thicker ones, which was slightly irritating because renjun didn’t tend to carry those around with him. he had even let the younger boy use the only shark fin that he had left but he had said that he didn’t like it. which was unrealistic in renjun’s humble opinion. shark fins were every guitarist’s first love. he chucked a purple tortex at donghyuck, relishing in the way that the boy’s lips quirked up for a split second at the action.

“the only chord you haven’t used before is c minor.” he flailed for a way to describe it for a few seconds, “set your fingers up like you would for a full f.”

donghyuck’s brow furrowed slightly as he tried to drop his fingers into place. in a rare moment of praise, he had told renjun that he didn’t understand how the shapes came so naturally to him. renjun didn’t either. his tongue poked out slightly as he tucked his pinky into place, his first finger not quite sitting flat where he was trying to barre it across the fretboard. it was strangely endearing. “now just move all your fingers apart from your first one a string up and then slide the whole thing to the third fret.” the younger boy painstakingly moved each finger one by one into the new formation, strumming through and wincing at the noise. 

“that’s disgusting.” he scrunched up his nose and glared at the older boy as if he had committed the most heinous of crimes. renjun giggled in spite of himself, relief swamping him as the darkness lifted from around donghyuck by a little.

“you moved your fingers down instead of up, and it’s also meant to played from the a string.” he leaned over the bed and pried donghyuck’s fingers from the fretboard, slowly bending them so that they were in the right alignment. his fingernails were painted a sparkly lilac, chipped a little from where he seemed to have picked at the skin for slightly too long. renjun pulled his hand away quickly, conscious of how close he had been to the younger boy and for how long. “try it now.” the chord was beautiful, a wholly melodic tone. it was underpinned with a melancholy, one of the things that made the song so entirely characteristic. donghyuck strummed it through a couple more times, the rhythm slightly clumsy in his hands. renjun tapped a beat on the wall, “the pattern’s down, down, up, up, down, up.”

“that sounds difficult.” there was a hint of a whine to his tone. guitar and drums were a far cry from one another, but he was the one who had begged renjun to teach him until the older boy had caved. renjun wouldn’t allow him to back out at this point. in spite of himself, he bashed through the strumming once, dropping the pick and rubbing at the pads of his fingers afterwards. “why do you do this to yourself?”

it was clearly rhetorical, but renjun found himself answering it before he could think any better, “because it makes me feel whole.” a strange quiet fell over the both of them, “here, gimme that, you sing it and i’ll play.”

**▷ hum hallelujah [or the song that was playing when donghyuck lee and renjun huang slow danced for shits and giggles]**

donghyuck was bathed in blue light from the leds that were hung around the coffee shop in strips, his skin seemed to shimmer beneath it, the colours sliding over him and radiating even further. as if he was illuminating them. renjun seemed to remember taeyong saying something incredibly specific about how they shouldn’t make any radical interior design decisions without his help, but he couldn’t bring himself to care when the frosted tips of donghyuck’s hair glowed silver. “could you relax?” the younger boy’s voice was lazy, falling into the steady drawl that always became prominent in the early hours of the morning. “taeyong can’t get on our backs for something as sick as this.” he spread his arms out, spinning in a clumsy circle as if he was some sort of twisted messiah. renjun didn’t quite want to think about the copious amounts of alcohol that they had ingested.

“i don’t think that’s accurate,” he mumbled quietly, but a smile crept onto his lips nonetheless. he was perched on the end of one of the record benches, probably causing major structural damage, his hands running over the soft paper sleeves in a repetitive motion. his artistic visions for the shop had been more focused on macrame planters and light woods, but he could never deny donghyuck anything. so that plan had been scrapped in favour of strip lights, black paint and madchester posters. as much as renjun wanted to hate the obnoxious colours, he had found himself slowly tolerating the supplies that they had been hoarding away in the back room for the past few weeks. the coffee shop already had a unique vibe going for it with the record bench in the corner and the albums stacked high on the walls, it wasn’t as if this would do anything to detract from that.

he turned to look at the thick stack of posters on the counter with a sigh on his lips. it was two in the morning. but they had promised taeyong that the shop would be usable for opening, and naked black walls probably weren’t the most inviting thing in the world. the record player in the corner was blasting out i don’t know how but they found me, a sound that wasn’t particularly made for relaxed decorating. sourcing the posters had been an adventure, the two of them hopping trains together for three hours to track down a sonic youth original that a man in basingstoke was selling on ebay. it had made renjun feel like a kid again, sprinting across the tarmac behind donghyuck to try and catch the sun before it set.

he took a small sip of the dark fruits that he was nursing, sitting it down to let donghyuck grab his wrists and pull him down from where he was sat. “do you even know how to put posters up properly?” the younger boy asked, stealing the drink and throwing the remnants down his throat before renjun could interject. “because if you don’t then we’re kind of fucked.” the smirk that had formed on his lips seemed incredibly misplaced given the circumstances. 

“i wasn’t in beavers for nothing,” he mockingly puffed out his chest, giving the salute that had been customary during the years that he had spent tucked into the town hall after dark with tons of other boys. “got my handy-work badge and everything so, you know, it’s basically a way of life for me at this point.” 

donghyuck’s giggle was like heaven incarnate. he held up the first poster from the stack, an aggressively orange and yellow stone roses number. “direct me, oh wise one.” he had to stand on his tip toes to even reach above the boxes stacked full of albums. he hovered the poster in a few locations, his hoodie riding up to expose a thin strip of skin along his back. a few of his moles peeled up above the hem of his jeans and renjun’s throat suddenly felt incredibly dry. he only realised that he had zoned out when the younger boy whined for his attention. “my arms hurt.”

“it depends, do you want like a few evenly spaced posters or do you want tons of them layered over each other randomly?” renjun was becoming very aware of the fact that even if hyuck had asked for his help, he would probably pout about the older boy’s opinion unless it was as least close to what he had envisioned.

“i thought neat might be nice. everything else is kinda ramshackle so it would just like,” he screwed up his nose, “finesse it a bit.” his arms were trembling a little from over exerting himself to hold up the poster, the heels of his boots had sunk back down to the floor a few minutes ago. renjun shuffled closer to him and gently tugged the poster out of his hands, careful not to crease it any further than it already had been. that had been one of the main problems with choosing authentic posters, the creases and rips that already came with them from their usage marring the artwork. renjun loved the damage more than he probably should have. he thought that it was beautiful that their lives were mapped out across their surface. 

“well then we need to look through all these for the ones that you want to put up.”

and that was how they found themselves sat on the floor, new bottles of dark fruits perched at their feet and posters spread out all around them. a cacophony of colours that begged to overwhelm your senses but halted itself right before it could. donghyuck had switched out the record for infinity on high. cars were beginning to creep back out onto the roads, the lonely souls who commuted for hours just to maintain a stable income abandoning their families to the call of the morning birds. renjun couldn’t tell if it was late or early, just that he had pushed past the first barrier of tiredness and was now in a frighteningly alert state of mind. “what about these three?” his fingers skimmed over the artwork that he had gathered closest to him; bright neons that would complement the black of the wall. joy division at the ajanta theatre, happy mondays at the g-mex and the charlatans at the astoria. 

donghyuck rolled over onto his knees, humming his approval, but renjun didn’t miss the way that he looked back longingly at a yellow and pink new order at the hacienda print. he swapped the joy division one out for it and met the younger boy’s eyes, “better?” it didn’t feel too cruel considering the fact that they were essentially two iterations of the same band, just with very different musical products. 

“i love it.” donghyuck rocked back so that he was sat on his knees, his bum resting against his heels. he started pulling the other posters together, creating a haphazard pile between the two of them. there were about twenty extras, renjun imagined that they would probably be keeping them for themselves. especially the 808 state one. he had been searching for one of those for himself for years on end. the amount of money that they had spent on it had been extortionate. but taeyong had told them to go wild. and they had.

renjun took another overly long drink from his cider, leaning back onto his hands so that he could reach the glue and roller that they had stashed on the opposite side of the room right at the start of the decorating process. he groaned at the way that his body screamed at the overextension, curling his toes up inside his converse to try and prevent himself from falling over. when he turned back around, donghyuck was on his feet, swaying slightly to the music, his toes picking out spaces in between the posters so that he wouldn’t step on them. he grinned at renjun, a look that screamed youthful ignorance and inconsequential joy all at once, “dance with me.”

“excuse me? we’re supposed to be decorating.” the thought ran away from him before he could stop it - renjun was helpless to the way that the younger boy reached out and grabbed his hands, pulling him to his feet. where their skin met was clammy and disgusting, donghyuck’s grip far too tight and unforgiving. his brain stuttered at the contact; the fact that they weren’t particularly big on physical touch making him balk. 

“dance with me,” he whined again, more insistent as he encroached on renjun’s personal space, shaking his hands free so that he could rest them at the nape of the older boy’s neck; right where the softest strands of his hair curled. renjun practically froze under the touch, his hands feeling clumsy as he tried to land them on donghyuck’s waist.

“i don’t think your supposed to slow dance to hum hallelujah.” he kept his voice low, the cool metal of the chains looped to donghyuck’s jeans uncomfortable to his touch when he finally settled his fingers. 

“i don’t give a fuck what we’re supposed to do.” he was so perilously close to renjun. the older boy could see every individual eyelash catching on the lights, dark shadows falling across his face as if he was in a place between hell and earth. his lips were curled up at the corners, mischief rife across his face. “just what we want to.”

their movements were gentle, feet careful not to tear at the posters and fingertips grazing against one another’s skin. there was something overtly tender about it, something that scared renjun about the fact that anybody from the streets could see them. they were hardly subtle, cloaked in neon blue compared to the black treacle of the sky outside. he imagined that they looked as if they were in love.

**▷ still into you - paramore [or the song that renjun huang listened to obsessively when his best friend got a cute boy’s number]**

hyuck came into the cafe with a glimmer in his eyes that reminded renjun all too much of the look that had preceded plans in their childhood. plans that tended to end with scraped knees being hidden away with mister men plasters. renjun hoped that he wasn’t about to get dragged into one of the endless ridiculous schemes that the younger boy never seemed to run out off.

light seemed to follow donghyuck around on the worst of days, but this was one of the rare occasions when it seemed to burst from him endlessly. there was a smirk rye on his lips as he dropped into the chair opposite renjun, leaning over to take a slurp of his hazelnut hot chocolate before he could protest, the melted marshmallows clinging to his lips. “why are you so goddamn happy today?” he managed to get out through the mouthful of the cinnamon roll that was acting as a substitute for his breakfast. his mum wouldn’t appreciate the sugar intake, or the fact that he had skipped out on her stupid family brunch again, but he couldn’t particularly bring himself to care about that.

“do you remember lucas?” the boy was practically vibrating, his fingers playing with the string of safety pins wrapped around his neck as he spoke. renjun scrunched up his nose as he tried to remember ever hearing that name before. going to different schools was strange. hyuck had all of these friends that renjun had never seen outside of instagram and renjun just had the whispered of donghyuck. he shook his head when he pulled a blank, taking a small sip of his indulgent overdose. “jun!” there was a whine in his voice, a sense that he was affronted by the fact that renjun didn’t remember.

the older boy held up his hands in surrender, “i’m sorry, i’m sorry, jesus.” donghyuck’s pretend scowl loosened immediately and renjun blinked. he was clearly in an incredibly good mood. the speed at which he was going through the story was hard to keep up with, renjun struggling to pin down exactly which emotions were tracking across his face in endless waves.

“well regardless of the fact that you don’t care about my life,” he ignored the older boy’s attempt to interrupt him at that statement, bludgeoning on through the story that he was so desperate to share, “he asked me for my number.” renjun blinked at that. his mouth almost dropping open. even in all of the half hearted pining that he’d tried to shove as deep down into his chest as possible so that it would never see the gleams of day, he hadn’t considered the possibility that somebody else would get the balls to confess to donghyuck before he could. the unforeseen hurdle hit him like a ten ton truck and he imagined that he was gaping slightly, “why is that so surprising to you? am i that unattractive?”

“what? no, that’s not what i-“ he cut himself off prematurely, not wanting to jeopardise the already compromising situation that he had gotten himself into. he fisted his fingers into the worn material of his stereophonic shirt, the checked flannel that was layered over it soft as it brushed over his fingertips. he forced himself to meet donghyuck’s eyes, “i’m just surprised that you aren’t utterly disgusted by something that could have been ripped straight from an american romcom.” the words fell false on his ears, but the same didn’t seem to be true of the younger boy.

he drummed his fingers on the table, “i guess that’s fair. but, he’s really sweet and funny and like the total opposite of me and i’m kind of vibing with that right now.” renjun wasn’t a fan of how self demeaning that sentence sounded but he chose to ignore it. he knew that he should probably let donghyuck have his moment. 

“good for you.”

donghyuck pulled a face at his underwhelming reaction, “i’ll send you shit about him later. you can decide whether he’s good for me. you probably know better than me at this point.” renjun hummed noncommittally, plucking one of the large sugar crystals off the top of his cinnamon roll and letting it dissolve on his tongue. he could see taeyong gesturing at him from behind the counter and he flipped over his phone to check the time. he was caught on hyuck’s words, because he did know him better than anyone else. but the younger boy would never think of that as being romantic.

“your shift starts in two minutes.”

donghyuck groaned, but he slid out of the chair. he was the one who had begged taeyong for volunteer shifts, for anything to make his uni applications look better. and there weren’t exactly any other business owners who would be comfortable with their workers wearing double denim. as much as hyuck pretended to be a rebel and a brat, he would never leave taeyong waiting for too long. “have fun in town,” he tossed over his shoulder as he made his way to the counter; now painted black to match the wall decor that the two of them had done. 

saturdays didn’t coincide for them anymore. an unfortunate side effect of donghyuck volunteering and renjun being unwilling to give up his practically religious trips to the record shop. that was why renjun woke up at an ungodly hour to come and get pastries at the cafe at the weekend, regardless of how it made his mum angry. it was just another part of the strings that made up his and donghyuck’s lives. unspoken promises to one another. things that they had never declared as being routine and never would, but that happened anyway. 

renjun longed to live in the city. to live in touching distance of gig venues and record shops and people who spoke with an accent just incrementally different to his own. instead, he was stuck in his hometown. he thought that maybe he would run away if it weren’t for donghyuck. nowhere would feel like home without his best friend.

he tossed back the remaining dregs of his hot chocolate, pulling his messenger bag over his shoulder as he stood up far too loudly. his chest heaved as donghyuck caught his eye on the way out, waving at him quickly before turning back to the customers at the cash register. he twisted the strap of his bag around his hand as he started towards the train station, stopping in the middle of the pavement to pull out the tangled mess of his headphones and fit them onto his head. unsurprisingly, they were black with silver skull designs. renjun was nothing if not committed to his aesthetic.

he let foo fighters play out in the background, walking as fast as his heart was pumping. he really should have anticipated the fact that donghyuck would get someone’s number sooner rather than later. he had only realised his own crush on the younger boy about three weeks previously, so it wasn’t as if he was able to stake a dramatic claim of i’ve been pining longer than you, fuck off. but it still felt as if the universe had betrayed him. as if a spear had been sent from the heavens to hit him straight through the heart. it had been a dumb move on his behalf to work in the theory that nobody else would chase after hyuck before him. he was intelligent and funny and kind even though he pretended that he wasn’t and everything about him was full frontal and overwhelming but in a way that made renjun feel alive rather than as if he was drowning. 

it was a feeling that he didn’t imagine anyone else would ever replicate.

he was ripped from his thoughts when he was forced to focus on the ticket machine, plugging in the information. he had never quite gotten to the stage of being able to do it flawlessly, still having to take in the entire screen and stab at it like an old pensioner. renjun couldn’t hear his tickets printing over the slides in the guitar solo, but the orange bordered cardboard was spat out into his hand. he tucked it into his pocket, positioning himself far enough down the platform that nobody would come too close. the toe caps of his converse were pushed right up to the border of the thick yellow line, his leg bouncing slightly as he waited. 

he only noticed that wasting light had stopped playing when the sound of the baby crying on the opposite platform reached him. he fumbled with his phone, swiping it open with clumsy fingers to scroll through his library. it must have been a sick twist of fate that landed him at paramore. they had always been more to donghyuck’s taste than renjun’s, but as with most things, the younger boy had eventually coerced him into seeing his point of view. he tended to only listen to riot when he was on his own, but found himself opening the self titled album instead. 

the train pulled in as the lyrics started, the noise overwhelming the dulcet tones of the lead singer’s voice. renjun could never quite remember her name no matter how often donghyuck whined about the fact that he wasn’t paying attention. he stepped forwards, jabbing the open doors button; the small ring around it running green. it was an uncomfortably long period of time before they slid open, letting him into the carriage. he had to go about halfway down before he spotted an empty row, where he promptly dumped himself into a window seat - his bag wedged firmly in his lap. he hated people who took up seats with their belongings. it was so pointlessly rude.

the train pulled away, slowly and then as if it couldn’t wait a second longer, the intercom crackling as they were welcomed onto the service. that part had always confused renjun. they were only two stops away from the line terminating, so it seemed a little pointless to offer snacks. he let his head hit the window with a solid thunk, staring out at the towns that they rushed past: small red brick houses pressed so close to one another that it seemed as if they could suffocate. they were all the same, carbon copies that had aged slightly differently and had different marks of who lived there but were ultimately identical.

just as he thought that he might finally be shifting away from his intrusive thoughts about donghyuck and the boy who had been clever enough to give him his number, a gentle buzz filled his headphones. he wanted to rip them off when he realised what song it was, but decided that he didn’t want to draw that much attention to himself. instead, he forced himself not to hit skip. artists put their songs onto albums for a reason. he couldn’t just pass over their hard work because he was feeling slightly more emo than usual. he couldn’t pretend that still into you didn’t seem more poignant than usual, though.

**▷ girls/girls/boys [or the song that renjun huang and donghyuck lee agree is universally acknowledged as the best way to come out]**

“how did you come out?” donghyuck’s feet were kicked up in front of him, his back stretched backwards to try and force the swing higher into the air. the wind rushing at them caught on the purple strands of his hair, sending them careening around his face. the question caught renjun off guard, and he dropped his own feet to the ground, the toes of his shoes scraping over the gravel uncomfortably; skipping on the stones.

“that’s a bit random.” he twisted his hands around the cool metal chains that the swing seat were hanging from, letting it rock back and forth gently as he leaned forwards to watch the younger boy. the playground was empty. it had been built when they were kids, but the colours that had fascinated them had been bleached by the sun, an empty shell left behind. the way that it was tucked in between housing estates meant that nobody was ever bothered enough to take their children there anymore. it was strange to renjun how quickly things could stop having meaning. “i thought i told you about it.”

donghyuck slowed down slightly, his legs tucking under the seat as he moved backwards. his eyebrows were pinched together, lips pursed as he shook his head to indicate the opposite. “you told me you had done it, but then all that stuff happened with your family, so the how part didn’t come up.” the older boy only vaguely remembered that night. in some ways he had pushed it as deep down as it could possibly go, wedged it somewhere in between his stomach and his gut so that it might get broken down by the acid and the enzymes within him. in other ways, he had failed, because the empty ring finger on his mum’s hand and the lack of childhood photos on their walls reminded him of it every day. he could remember crying in donghyuck’s arms, but there was very little else other than that. “you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” there was concern in donghyuck’s eyes, as if he was worried that he was breaking into a part of renjun that should be left untouched. the older boy was only surprised that it hadn’t come up early, donghyuck didn’t tend to respect anyone’s privacy. he supposed that this was a little more serious than most other matters, though. 

renjun made a small noise, “no, course i will. sorry, i was just thinking about,” his voice tailed off as he grasped for the words to express exactly what the quagmire going on inside his head entailed, “stuff.” he finished lamely. for once, donghyuck didn’t comment on the ambiguity, humming his understanding and letting his own feet skitter to the ground. he swung one leg over the seat so that he was straddling the short side of the swing and directed the full force of his attention at renjun. 

“well if you want to think about stuff out loud then i want to hear it.” the sentence itself didn’t make any particular sense, but the older boy appreciated the sentiment behind it. he pulled his hands away from the chains, rubbing them over his thighs instead. he knew that nobody had the same coming out experience, but he didn’t imagine that many other people had done it as casually as he had; without any planning at all. 

“it wasn’t even intentional, you know?” the words were slow, the boy struggling to piece together how to tell the story without sounding wholly melodramatic, “we were having dinner with my grandparents and it kind of just fell out of my mouth before i could think about it. i literally just announced to the room that i was pan, even though the topic hadn’t been brought up. it was weird.” he forced himself to look up and meet the intensity that was burning in donghyuck’s eyes. he knew that it had been a shock to the younger boy when he had shown up that night, mumbling nonsense sentences about coming out. he hadn’t realised that hyuck didn’t know that it was a shock to him as well. “my mum, she like came over and hugged me,” he could feel tears welling up in his eyes, so he forcefully pulled his hands into his sleeves and wiped at them with the material of his shift. “she told me she loved me and that i wasn’t abnormal.” he tilted his head back, staring up at the grey clouds that were draped across the sky; it was funny how pathetic fallacy sometimes seemed to work in real life, “god, she got that wrong, i’m a freak show on every other level. but i was just glad that she didn’t think that that was the reason why.”

donghyuck stayed quiet, kicking his leg out at an awkward angle to hit his foot against renjun’s. it was a weak touch, but the older boy knew that it was how hyuck showed care. he was glad that he didn’t interrupt him about the freak show comment, because it hadn’t been derogatory, just a statement of fact on his behalf.

“my grandparents were so so quiet. they were my dad’s parents as well so you can guess how they felt about it. i looked over at my dad and,” he sniffed heavily, trying to stop any snot from running down his face. no matter how much he wanted to forget his father, there was still a part of him that craved to play kick about in the back garden and all that shit, “my chest was so tight and i thought that i was going to shatter into tiny jigsaw pieces that nobody would ever put together again. and he just started yelling. i don’t remember much of it apart from the fact that he kept saying i was no son of his.” his voice trembled, blood rushing in his ears as he tried to hold back all the emotions that wanted to flood him. he was almost sure that he was shaking, his body feeling tense at every joint. he hated reliving that night. he hated the images of his grandparents bundling themselves out of the door and his dad rounding on his mum with accusatory fingers and rage upon endless rage and him running the minute that he got the chance. he hated his own weakness the most.

“you aren’t,” donghyuck’s voice was quiet, but the surrounding noises weren’t loud enough to drown him out. renjun twisted up to look at him from where he was hunched over his knees, the confusion must have been written on his face. “you aren’t his son.” he didn’t follow it up with anything poetic or meaningful. just fixed renjun with a look that spoke volumes. one that meant he wasn’t lying. “you never were.”

it was a few more moments before renjun nodded shakily, moments that simultaneously seemed to stretch time into cotton fibres and speed through it in decades. he started laughing at the absurdity of the whole situation. his tears always tended to translate themselves into self deprecating smiles.

neither of them spoke for a while after that, content to swing lowly and listen to the cars driving past on far away roads, the happy cries of children being let out from school starting to creep into the afternoon, “why did you want to know anyway?” he knew that he must look a mess, but the younger boy didn’t comment on the way that his eyeliner was smeared across his cheeks or the red lines that were probably stark across his eyes.

“i was just thinking about telling my parents,” he had both of his hands wrapped around one of the metal chains, stacked on top of one another, his grip so tight that his knuckles were straining white. “like, they almost definitely know already, but i think i wanna actually tell them, you know?” renjun nodded, kicking donghyuck’s toe in the same way that the younger boy had done to him. “i might just start drumming girls/girls/boys super obnoxiously whenever they’re in the house.”

the laugh that spilled out of renjun at that was genuine, his cheeks feeling painful at the pull of his lips against them. “everyone should come out like that, even the ones that don’t drum.” 

“now you just want to insight chaos.” donghyuck’s voice didn’t change, but his grip on the chains loosened slightly, as if he was managing to pull himself out of some sort of tunnel vision.

“anarchy is bliss.” renjun jumped off of his swing when it was in mid air, having to run slightly to make sure that he didn’t dislocate his knees or anything like that. he sat cross legged on the grass in front of where donghyuck was sitting, fingers instinctively plucking at the individual blades. “you don’t have to tell them anything you don’t wanna, hyuck. it’s not like a legal obligation or anything.” the younger boy was back to swinging overly high, his legs seeming incredibly close to renjun’s face; he knew that he wouldn’t get kicked, though.

“i know,” he was almost yelling over the wind, “i want to.”

**▷ i’m not gonna teach your boyfriend how to dance with you - black kids [or the song that renjun huang has decided is far too on the nose]**

renjun blew out another unsteady breath, the cool air making it condense into a cloud around his head. he could still hear the indie disco, music pulsating upwards from the underground bar and sliding through his veins. vague chatter surrounded him, underpinned by long drags of cigarettes; the smoke cloying in the boy’s throat. a part of him knew that it was selfish to make donghyuck wait this long, especially when the younger boy had texted him about eight times to check that he was definitely coming, but the pounding in his head was overwhelming that feeling.

usually, it would be impossible to tear renjun away from the dance floor. sunday nights were reserved for blagging his way past bouncers and sneaking chips and cheese on the way home. he almost felt wholly comfortable in his skin, surrounded by neon lights and the crush of bodies that he would probably never see again. indie disco was close enough to the adrenaline that he got from gigs that it served as a hit of dopamine in the extended gaps between his live music ventures. donghyuck knew that. it was probably the reason why he had decided that this was where renjun should meet lucas for the first time. he hadn’t called the other boy his boyfriend, but it had certainly been implied.

donghyuck had been going on about the older boy for weeks now, in a way that grated at every fibre of renjun’s being and made him want to sink into the ground. it was growing exceedingly difficult to cope with the late night musings about love that the younger boy often called him up for. he wanted to be happy for his best friend, but the jealousy that pooled in his gut was undeniable, the urge to scream at the younger boy that he was holding his heart hostage. goosebumps fractured across his bare arms, the skin laid bare by his black dahlia tank top struggling to cope. 

he sucked in another lungful of acrid smoke and crisp air, ducking his way into the line that had formed outside of spitfire in the time that he had been going through his dilemma. the bouncer barely looked at him when he made it to the front of the queue, eyeing him up and down before lazily gesturing for him to enter. it was as if the universe was going against him. he almost always had to put up more of a fight than that to make it inside. 

he stumbled down the stairs, his shoes sticking to the unknown substances that were glazed across them. the first thing that hit him was the darkness, his eyes struggling to adjust to the way that everything was illuminated in eclectic neon, instinctively, he moved along the back of the dance floor to the bar. it was a low bar top, the kind that hit off of your shins when you got too close; he looked around to try and figure out where donghyuck was hiding, not particularly wanting to be caught off guard by the younger boy. the bartender recognised him, pushing a ginger ale in his direction before renjun could even ask for it.

“ta muchly,” he yelled over the music, shaun ryder’s vocals resounding through the room as he pushed a handful of change across the counter. he cradled the drink to his hip as he edged around the side of the room, dodging past couples pressing one another into the exposed brick of the wall. his fingers found their way into the rips of his jeans, fiddling with the raw hems in a desperate bid to help him relax. 

renjun supposed that he must have looked out of his mind, glancing from side to side awkwardly every few seconds and barely easing the overly expensive drink that he had bought to his lips. he almost jumped out of his skin when someone tapped on his shoulder. he whirled around, eyes blown wide as he took in the boy in front of him. he was much taller than renjun, tan kissing his skin. if he had been in a less frantic state, he might have been able to process quite how attractive the other boy was. instead, he just stared blankly at him - the boy was saying something, but renjun couldn’t be sure exactly what it was. 

“what?” he yelled, his nose scrunching up slightly.  
the other boy leaned down, his lips brushing against renjun’s ears, “i said, how come you’re not dancing?” his voice was low, gentle on the fried nerves that renjun was seemingly full of.

“i’m waiting for my friend.” he responded, having to lean up on his tiptoes to get close enough to the other boy’s ears. he was grateful for the extra bit of height that his boots gave him, making the stretch slightly less embarrassing. he found his shoulders loosening slightly, less stressed now that donghyuck couldn’t entirely ambush him. “he wants me to meet his boyfriend.”

he couldn’t see the stranger’s face, but the low laughter that rumbled in his chest sounded slightly disbelieving, “no way, mate!” he cut himself off by clapping renjun on the back, “i’m here to meet the boy i’m seeing’s best friend. apparently this is like a super big deal to him so i’m kind of nervous.” the music changed to courtney love as he spoke and renjun finally found himself settling back into the atmosphere that he was so addicted to. “he keeps going on about how he needs someone to teach me how to dance properly because apparently i’m not good enough.” a mock pout formed on his lips as he looked down at renjun, mirth written in his eyes.

he leaned back and quirked an eyebrow at the other boy, “you don’t seem to have any issue making friends though?” he gestured between the two of them, a small grin turning up the corner of his lips. “and i can teach you how to dance, i’ll have you know that i’m spectacular.”

“oh, is that so?” a grin flashed across his lips, fading a little as he continued on his train of thought, “but i’m not tryna get your approval, right now, am i?” his hand came up to scratch at his hair, the sleeves of his shirt tightening across his arms. it had the james logo stencilled across it in random places, renjun found himself buzzing internally at that. then again, it was hard to meet anyone at an indie disco who didn’t have taste. 

“i’m sure it won’t be that hard to win him over.” he leaned back against the wall, taking a sip of his ginger ale and letting it slide down his throat - overly sticky and sweet, just how he liked it. “where’s the boy you’re with then?” he ran a hand through his hair, tousling the strands so that he wouldn’t look as if he had been standing around all night. even though he had been. 

“he went to the loo. i’m under strict instructions not to move.” the boy smiled with his whole face, his cheeks lifting up to the corners of his eyes. he held out his hand, “i’m lucas, by the way.” renjun’s heart almost stopped. there was no possibility. out of all the people who could have stopped at the wall beside him, it was just his luck that he had been landed with the boy who had taken his place. and that he found himself liking him.

his voice sounded weak too his own ears as he took lucas’ hand in his own, shaking it quickly so that the other boy wouldn’t feel the sweat rolling off of him, “are you donghyuck’s lucas?” he supposed that there was a chance that this might not be him. a slim chance that renjun hadn’t managed to find himself in the crosshairs of a perfect cliche. that was eradicated when the other boy nodded slowly, eyebrows drawing together, “i’m renjun.”

the recognition flickered into the other boy’s eyes immediately, in a way that almost made renjun recoil. he didn’t particularly expect donghyuck to have mentioned him enough that lucas would remember who he was. “well that changes things a bit then.” the laughter that spilled from the older boy’s lips was more uncertain than before, the confidence that he had held himself with declining almost incrementally. 

“i don’t think i’ll be teaching you how to dance anymore.” renjun tried to keep the amicable tone that they had gotten off to, but knew that it had fallen flat, his words sounding clumsy in the air. there wasn’t a tension between them, though the way that the atmosphere had dimmed would suggest otherwise. the broken bark of laughter that lucas spat out didn’t aid it either. he wondered if he could sense the fact that renjun had a crush on his boyfriend. he distinctly hoped that he couldn’t. 

it was a cruel twist of fate that landed donghyuck right in front of them at that moment. “you already found each other without my help!” he yelled over the music, there were strands of glitter in his hair, sparkling in holographic lines when the lights hit them. renjun tried not to focus on the fact that he had dropped his hand onto lucas’ arm immediately, letting himself take in the joy etched across the younger boy’s face instead. “and renjun hasn’t killed you yet which means you’re acceptable,” his eyes seemed to honey when he looked up at the older boy; renjun forced himself not to stare too hard.

“we were just discussing the fact that renjun’s going to teach me how to dance properly since you’re such a rubbish teacher.” lucas prodded donghyuck’s sides quickly in a way that made the younger boy squirm. renjun knew that it would be strange to see donghyuck be close to someone else, but he hadn’t been prepared for how different it would be. the affection that he shared with lucas seemed to be conveyed through far more touches than the two of them had ever been comfortable with. he supposed that was where he would always fall down; intimacy wasn’t his best characteristic. especially not the physical kind. he didn’t notice how far he had zoned out until donghyuck span on his heel to face renjun, cocking his hip slightly and fixing him with a look.

“what?” donghyuck widened his eyes slightly, knocking his head back slightly to gesture towards lucas. renjun moaned low in his throat as realisation hit him, “fuck’s sake, hyuck, i’m not reaching your boyfriend how to dance with you that’s so weird.”

“why’s it weird?” there was laughter on his lips as he grapped renjun’s shirt to pull him to the dance floor, not even checking behind him to see if lucas was following. “it’s not like you’re my ex or something.”

**▷ heroes - david bowie [or the song that donghyuck lee told renjun huang really weird news to]**

renjun was a sucker for making his music fulfil the theme of whatever he was doing. he loved the melodrama that came with getting dressed to songs with single lines about ripped jeans and listening to tracks with sound effects of rain when it was pouring outside. there was something inherently satisfying about coordinating the different aspects of his life with the tiniest of things. he let the needle drop onto his david bowie album, heroes, purely so that he could sketch out his action figures to the soundtrack. he had to go up on his tiptoes to reach the top of his bookcase, where his art supplies were kept out of reach of any wandering fingers, pulling his sketchbook out as soon as he could get purchase on it.

it was sod’s law that as soon as he settled down to draw, his phone started ringing, cutting through the honeyed tones of the record.

“can i come over to yours?” donghyuck said as soon as renjun picked up his call, the slam of a car door resounding through the tinny speaker of his phone. renjun scrunched up his noise slightly - the younger boy never tended to ask before inserting himself into their house, “i know it’s like your arty boy hours but i gotta talk to you about some stuff.” his voice was crackling slightly, static penetrating through the microphone of his headphones as he held the wire up against his lips. the older boy put him on speaker, putting his phone beside his sketchbook on the table and humming his approval. he was amazed that donghyuck knew it was his art time.

“course, my mum’s here but she won’t care.” the thick cartridge paper in front of him was covered in streaks of the primary colours, marked through with black. it was supposed to be a sort of comic book; with tiny silhouetted superheroes running across the red, yellow and blue pages. renjun had spent hours on it, reworking each drawing becoming a labour of love that he adored losing himself in. he rolled a pencil in between his fingers, letting the soft curves of the hexagonal shape cruise over his skin. 

the harsh scrape of the microphone hitting against something squealed through the room, quickly replaced by donghyuck’s voice, “oh good, because i’m already on your street.” his tone was dry, a tiny laugh following the sentence when renjun made a noise of disbelief. he leaned over until his chair was at a precarious angle, separating his blinds with his fingers so that he could better see out onto the road. sure enough, the younger boy was there, boots crunching through the snow and leather jacket wholly inappropriate for the weather.

“what were you gonna do if i said no?” he asked, moving away from the window so that his neighbours wouldn’t think that he was a complete psychopath. 

“probably come over anyways? have you met me?” he laid the incredulity on thickly, blatantly trying to pester the older boy. it was part of his nature. while he was one of the most thoughtful people that renjun knew, hyuck also liked to pretend that he was annoying. “can you come open your door?”

renjun hung up on him, pushing his phone to the edge of the table. he took the stairs down two at a time, knowing that he only had a few minutes before the younger boy would inevitably overreact to being ignored. he fumbled with the key in the lock; having to try both of the ones at the door before it would open. the side door to their house had a practically identical key. when he eventually managed to get the door open, hyuck was staring at him with laughter in his eyes. “what?”

“when are you gonna distinguish your keys from one another? i really don’t rate the fact that you just guess.” he sat down on the bottom step to unlace his boots, kicking them off onto the rack and starting up the stairs to renjun’s room ahead of the older boy.

“it’s one of my lovable quirks.” donghyuck snorted, but didn’t retaliate, throwing himself back onto renjun’s bed as soon as he walked into the room. it was as if he purposefully made the effort not to look at the sketchbook, which the older boy appreciated. he definitely didn’t need hyuck to know that one of the characters was based on him, “what’s up with you then? why did you feel the need to invade my artistic space?” 

donghyuck turned over to face him, pillowing his forehead on his hands; the purple strands of his hair were damp from the snow outside, the apple of his cheeks flushed red from coming into the warmth of the house. “have you ever had a crush, jun? like a crush behind the one that you had on andrew garfield when we were twelve?” 

renjun blinked unsteadily, nodding his head slowly as he processed donghyuck’s words. this couldn’t possibly be about the fact that the younger boy had sussed him out, renjun was sure that he had hidden his feelings well enough. sometimes they evaded even him. “and you didn’t tell me?” donghyuck made a noise of mock indignation, kicking renjun in faux annoyance before settling back into his earlier position.

“well, you know what’s it’s like then? someone seems so perfect and ideal but their just unattainable. i think that’s the whole point, right? crushes are supposed to be at least a little bit unattainable.” his eyes were wide when he looked over at the older boy for affirmation. there was a certain truth to his words that renjun was aware of. the way that people tended to build up their crushes to be practically more than was humanly possible. 

“yeah, i know what you mean.” the younger boy nodded, interlacing his fingers with one another slowly as he though over what he was saying. he blurted the words out in a rush after an awkwardly sized pause.

“i don’t really know how to word this. lucas is so cool and sweet and funny but i just. even when i’m with him he still feels unattainable. like i’ll never quite be on his level, you know?” he stopped himself in the middle of his ramble, seemingly finished with whatever point it was that he was trying to make. the older boy was still deciphering exactly what he meant.

“firstly, of course you’re on the same level as him, don’t spew bullshit. if anything, you’re the unattainable one.” renjun chewed on his lip as he tried to figure out how to word what he wanted to get across to the younger boy, ignoring his vehement noises of denial to his previous comment. “i kinda get it. but he gave you his number? so like you were definitely reciprocated. i dunno, hyuck, it doesn’t really make sense. it’s just feelings.” 

the bridge of the song that was playing kicked in at that point, the tone now overly joyous and a weird contrast to the strangely philosophical mod that was draped over the room.

the younger boy’s brow was furrowed, lips forming a delicate pout as he mulled over renjun’s words, “well, i told him that i thought we would be better off as friends.” the words hung in the air, falling heavily in between them. donghyuck’s fingers were bunching up the bedsheets, but he didn’t break away from the stare that the older boy had fixed him with.

“was he okay with that?” renjun tried to keep his tone light, not wanting to sound overly invasive. despite the fact that the two of them were best friends, they didn’t tend to talk about romantic feelings a lot. it just wasn’t something that fell on their radar all the time. the older boy wasn’t exactly sure what boundaries he was allowed to cross. 

donghyuck nodded, a small and aborted movement given the way that he was lying down, “he said it was chill. that he wouldn’t hold it against me.” the red on his cheeks from being outside had faded, but his ears were deeply flushed, a producer of embarrassment from the conversation. renjun tried not to fixate too hard on how adorable it made him look. adorable wasn’t an adjective that he tended to use to describe other emo boys, but in this instant, it seemed only fitting.

“and are you okay with it?” the question fell from him tentatively, sounding far too probing in retrospect. the younger boy didn’t seem to care, his tongue coming out to wet his lips softly. it was a long-standing habit of his, coming from hating the smell of vaseline as a little kid.

“i think so,” he mumbled quietly, voice barely audible over the record, “it just didn’t feel right to stay.” his voice wasn’t sad, but a certain degree of melancholy ran through it. renjun couldn’t quite place the glazed look in the younger boy’s eyes so he chose to ignore it. 

“well if you’re both alright then you did good, hyuck, quit moping.” he leaned over and ruffled the boy’s hair, purple strands falling into random positions across the pillowcase. renjun had never been the best at affection; showing it in a rough way that many would probably think of as oppressive. he knew that donghyuck didn’t. he turned back to his sketchbook when the younger boy sent him a small smile, desperately bidding his heart to slow down. he had a chance again.

**▷ stupid for you [or the song that renjun huang learns in his first bid of romance but donghyuck lee is apparently incapable of taking the hint]**

guitars were something that renjun found fascinating. he had never been the best at telling them apart, unlike the people who could pick out a gibson sg from a les paul in an instant, but he thought that his knowledge was good enough to make him at least passable. there were certain guitars that he had been lusting after for as long as he could remember, hummingbirds and fender tele deluxes and squiers. the guitar that he actually had, however, he would never replace for the world. he had saved up for years to get his strat. shoving money into a shoebox under his bed until it was full. 

he could still remember the exact feeling of walking into the music shop and dumping the box on the counter, cradling the guitar against his chest as the cashier counted up all the notes. he had had exactly the right amount. it was the first big thing that he had ever bought for himself; he didn’t care that the guitar had at least four previous owners, because at that very moment in time it had become his. and he had cherished it. 

it was a fairly basic thing, single coil pickup and rectangular inlays along the frets, but renjun had slowly worked it up to its former glory. donghyuck had helped him to repaint it, masking off the neck and removing the strings before suspending it from the washing line. the older boy had been completely paranoid that it would fall, that something would break under the strain, but it had been completely fine. and afterwards, it shone in a glossy white that wasn’t marred by pick scratches. 

renjun had had to remove the pick guard entirely, the plate being so damaged that it was already pulling itself away from the main body of the guitar. he hadn’t replaced it, but his strums were placed well enough that it didn’t matter. 

getting the nuts and bridge to look like fresh metal again had been the hardest part of the entire process. the years of use and wear meant that they were covered in fingerprints, dirt clogged up on the axels. it had taken him two weeks to buff them up, staying up until the wee hours to make them shine. all in all, he considered the hours well spent. 

so, really, renjun’s guitar was a part of him. he had been playing since he was seven; but he’d never been able to practise properly. only able to play during the lessons that his mum had managed to find cheap in the area. the utter joy that came with playing the guitar on whatever whim that he felt like had never evaporated. 

which was why the fear that was consuming him at that moment in time made absolutely no sense. he huffed out a short breath, swinging his left leg over his right and tucking the guitar into his chest; the strap rubbing against the top of his back where his shirt had been pulled down. it had been a month since donghyuck had stopped seeing lucas, which had only been going on as a thing for about double that time. renjun didn’t think that he was overstepping his mark by choosing to tell donghyuck the truth. or at least, that would be happening if he could actually grow a pair for long enough to learn the song.

renjun had never confessed to any of his crushes before, even though there hadn’t been many that had actually been of any merit. he hadn’t been lying to donghyuck when had said that there had been some, but they had always just stayed as tiny fantasies on the breeze. martin - the boy who he had sat next to in year nine french was probably the closest he had ever come to admitting his crush. unfortunately, he had changed his sentence to ‘i like being your friend’ in the middle of saying it and had then gone on to find out that martin didn’t consider him a friend. that hadn’t been a very good day.

the more that renjun actually thought about telling donghyuck that he had a crush on him, the more he had felt as if he was going to be violently ill. he had come to the conclusion that if he just played the younger boy a song instead, then he would be less likely to back out. and if it went wrong then it might be easier to pass it off as a joke. the only problem was that that meant actually learning how to play stupid for you. and renjun’s brain was really desperate to put that off for as long as possible.

the chords were basic enough that he should have been able to play them without even thinking about it. there were only five and three of them could be open, but his fingers refused to cooperate, knuckles turning white as he clenched his fist tighter around the neck of the guitar. he had a metronome on in the background, the one hundred and eighteen beats per minute ticking doing very little to calm his fried nerves.

he squeezed his eyes shut, slowing his breaths right down until he felt as if he was actually taking in air again. “it’s just a song,” he mumbled to himself, his fingers sliding up and down the strings, “you don’t even have to play it to him.” he was very thankful that his mum was out, because he didn’t really want to explain why he was talking to himself. he pushed the ends of his pick towards one another, he preferred playing with thin plastic, so it bent easily, flexing under his fingertips.

slowly, the habitual feeling came back to him, the blood that had rushed to his face cooling as he strummed out the pattern. he hummed along to the song quietly, figuring out the moments that he needed to change chord and how quickly he had to flatten his finger to jump from open to bar and back to open again. he almost forgot why he was doing it. renjun decided that he didn’t like the way that the strings changed between ringing and deafening, so he switched to playing wholly bar chords. he played it through more times than her cared to keep track of before he pulled his hand away from the fretboard, flexing his fingers slowly to work out the cramp that inevitably formed in them. 

guitar was familiar, something about it felt so easy to him. even when sometimes the chords escaped him and the strumming patterns faltered in the middle of songs, renjun could never find it within himself to be upset. it was the only thing that he had never judged himself for. he fumbled with his phone, shutting the metronome down before moving to start the song over again. 

it was just his luck that donghyuck took that moment to barge into his room, never one to bother with formality or ceremony. he threw himself into renjun’s desk chair, flannel shirt riding up and exposing a strip of skin at his stomach as he turned towards the older boy. “don’t mind me, my dad decided to go on another one of his funky yelling sprees so i dipped.” the light tone of his voice didn’t match the bitterness that his eyes were stuck through with. he waved away renjun when the older boy opened his mouth to speak, dismissing his previous words as quickly as he had said them, “will you teach me how to play something again?”

renjun blinked at him slowly, rubbing at his wrists as a sudden awkwardness overwhelmed him. he hadn’t exactly planned when he was going to play the song to donghyuck, but it seemed as if he was being presented with an opportunity. as if all the cogs of the universe had slowly ground their gears to align the aspects of his life to create this very moment. he cleared his throat uncomfortably, “i actually wanted to show you a song that i learned.” he sucked his bottom lip into his mouth, eyes darting between donghyuck’s own and the posters on his wall, “if that’s okay?”

“hell yes, john taylor me.” donghyuck kicked his legs up so that his feet were resting on the edge of renjun’s vinyl bench, the jeans that he was wearing were practically sprayed onto his skin, mirroring every curve of his body. the rabbit patterned socks that his feet were clad in detracted slightly from the gothic look. 

renjun pinched the bridge of his nose, forcefully stopping himself from grinning like an idiot at how precious he found the younger boy’s socks, “how many times do i have to tell you that-“

“john taylor was a bassist,” donghyuck mocked his voice lightly, pulling a face at the older boy as he spoke, “yes, yes, i know.” he closed his eyes, letting his head roll back over the top of the chair; but he had stopped speaking, which renjun took as a sign that he was being allowed to play. 

he shook his head, overly long strands loosely spraying across his forehead. his left leg was jogging up and down rapidly, the build up of fear in his veins finally coming to premonition. he turned the puck over in his fingers a few times, settling it between his thumb and index finger - the middle one providing a tiny bit more support. he inhaled slowly, hitting the first chord as he sang, “hey, tell me what you want me to say.” donghyuck sat up more rigidly as he recognised the song, a smile playing on his lips as his eyes flew open.

renjun wasn’t sure quite how he got through the song without having an entire breakdown. he didn’t look at donghyuck the whole time, but he could feel his stare penetrating through his being. he picked out the closing riff with shaking fingers, the callouses that formed along his fingertips from playing suddenly aching. there was only a few seconds of silence before donghyuck started to clap slowly, letting out a low whistle. “jesus, jun, you really need to lose some of that talent. it’s unfair on the rest of us.”

renjun felt as if his heart had stopped, the racing that he had been unable to escape for the whole morning suddenly disappearing. “what?” he mumbled, tugging the strap over his head and propping his guitar up in the corner. he regretted it almost immediately, feeling vulnerable without its protection.

“you’re so good!” donghyuck’s voice was slightly more high pitched than normal, probably in an effort to convey quite how animated he was about the song. renjun didn’t find any joy in his praise, though. he was mainly fixated on the fact that apparently that hadn’t come across as a confession. that it really did just seem like a song.

he hummed softly in response, “i’m gonna go to the loo real quick. i’ll be back soon, don’t touch anything.”

**▷ afterglow - all time low [or the song that things finally go right to]**

renjun shoved his way through the crowds of people gathered around the bar, the plastic cups in either of his hands filled to the very top with overly sweet cider. the server hadn’t particularly cared that he was underage, which was the first time that he had ever gotten away with it. the arena was usually very good at stopping seventeen year old boys from drinking them dry, but in this instance the women had obviously deemed him responsible enough. or maybe she just hadn’t been paying close enough attention. he kept his gaze levelled downwards so that he could try and stop the drinks from spilling with pure willpower whilst also avoiding stepping on anyone’s feet. he darted between bodies until he made it to his entrance door, 116, he pushed it open with his shoulder and fumbled his way down the stairs to get to his seat. 

music was vibrating through the building at every level, the hubbub of noise that would otherwise be surrounding the boy falling onto deaf ears. the show was almost over, the venue had a curfew of half eleven, but renjun hadn’t been able to hold in his need to pee for any longer. so he had left donghyuck during drugs and candy with the promise to bring him back a drink when the younger boy had shoved a crumpled tenner into his palm. 

he awkwardly squeezed himself between the people sitting in their row and the backs of the plastic chairs in front of them, the material hitting against his shins. he didn’t understand why seats even existed at gig venues; it wasn’t as if anybody would ever actually sit in them. the music surrounding them was overwhelming, alex gaskarth’s voice rising through the speakers and filling the arena. renjun shoved one of the drinks into donghyuck’s hand when he finally made it to their place in the middle of the row, taking a long swig of his own - the taste clinging to his throat. “that was so fast,” donghyuck marvelled at him, “you didn’t miss a single song.” renjun shrugged, grinning at him as the crowd hollered, the band having stopped playing for more than thirty seconds. 

the younger boy turned away from him, whooping into the quiet right before the next song kicked in. concerts were, in renjun’s opinion, one of the single-most wonderful things that could ever happen to a person. he would have wasted all of his money on them if he could, but his mum liked to nag him about responsibilities and savings. he already knew that when he finally made it to university, he would be watching bands play as much as was physically possible. there was nothing quite like the feeling of belonging that came from being surrounded by complete strangers. especially when donghyuck was by his side. 

he downed the last of his cider, dropping the cup onto the floor right in front of his seat so that he would remember to pick it up on the way out. at some point, donghyuck had tugged the shirt that he had bought from the merchandise stand over his head, not bothering to remove the one that he was already wearing. that was probably a contributing factor to the sweat that was clearly visible across his back, ecstasy clouding his eyes every time that he looked back at renjun. he did so at that moment, neck tilted at an awkward angle as he belted out the lyrics to the older boy. 

renjun wrapped his arms over the younger boy’s shoulders from behind, a rare form of contact for the both of them. donghyuck stiffened slightly for a moment, before relaxing back into the touch, the strands of his mullet tickling the front of renjun’s neck. he could feel the vibrations of the younger boy singing along expanding out across his chest, filling him with warmth. the contact between them was overly heated, both of them having danced for hours at that point, but renjun didn’t want to let go.

“okay, okay, one last song!” alex yelled out, “well, one more before we pretend that we won’t play anymore. go along with it for us, yeah?” renjun released his hold on the younger boy for a moment to clap, yelling his approval through the laughter that followed. to his surprise, donghyuck didn’t move away from him that much, only putting a little distance between them whilst staying directly in front of him. the older boy felt his heart jump into his throat, his spine straightening slightly as he realised that maybe, just maybe, he had a chance. gig nights were for nothing if not making rash choices. 

renjun breathed in slowly, a smile breaking out on his face as he looked at donghyuck. he leaned towards the younger boy, pressing his lips to his ears so that he wouldn’t have to speak too loud for him to hear what he was saying. it was strange, how hard renjun had thought about confessing to him, especially considering the fact that he was about to do it with absolutely no planning. donghyuck was alert, focusing on his voice amid the noise that was surrounding them. “i’m so fucking in love with you, donghyuck lee. and it’s not gonna die down any time soon.”

renjun wasn’t sure exactly what it was that overcame him at that moment. maybe it was the adrenaline catching up to him or the fact that donghyuck lee was right in front of him or the way that he felt as if nothing that he did in that very second would have consequences. all he could focus on was the younger boy spinning around to face him, the soft chords that marked the start of afterglow piercing through the speakers as he did so. the stage lights illuminated donghyuck’s hair; it looked like a scene ripped straight from the silver screen and planted into renjun’s life. 

he was so fixated on the shock coursing through him at what he had just done that he didn’t pick up on the beaming smile that was spread across the younger boy’s cheeks. “excuse me?” he quirked up one of his eyebrows, staring at renjun with stars hung in his eyes. renjun blanked hard at that moment, his mouth dropping open as he fumbled for words. he stared at donghyuck for a moment longer before the younger boy shook his head gleefully, reaching up his hands to cup the older boy’s cheeks. “renjun, did you just say that you love me?”

“well, actually, i said that i was in love with you,” he mumbled, mind completely torn away from the song that was playing and where they were, “there’s a difference.” 

donghyuck’s smile was so wide that it looked as if his cheeks were going to split open, “pedantic asshole.” he moved his hands down from renjun’s cheeks, resting them on his chest and bunching up the material of his shirt in his hands. 

renjun wasn’t sure what the feeling pooling in his gut was, a tight coil that felt as if it would burst free of him at any moment. his limbs didn’t feel connected to his body, his tongue heavy in his mouth. “is that okay?”

“of course it’s okay, you idiot. you’re the only fucking good thing in my life.” there were slight tears glistening on his cheeks, a far cry from the hardened shell that he usually liked to present himself as. the girl in the seat next to them was starting to see what was going on and she cast a quick smile to renjun when he met her eyes. 

“jesus, hyuck.” he tried to hide the way that his own eyes were tearing up by ducking his head down, but the younger boy was having none of it, shifting his hands back up to grab at his chin. the chorus of the song came in at that moment, renjun got from contact and dancing and vaguely buzzed from the alcohol. he felt as if he was in a fever dream, with donghyuck lee at the centre of it all.

“i love you too, dumbass emo boy.”


End file.
